Where The Smoke Is Coming From....

I don't want to shake. I don't want to tremble.

I don't want to cry. I cut this heart. But as much as I do, it seems to heal itself.
What is this in me, Lord? Please... I don't want to feel this love anymore.
I don't know what to ask you anymore, Father. For it seems I don't know what to ask for.

*sigh*

I don't want to feel this love anymore. If all I have is this, then I want to be emotionless.
Nothing I do seems to be appreciated, and it's not like I do things for appreciation.
But it is better than to be scolded for trying to help out.

Lord, I've never found a hearttrapper that can trap this heart like...

I don't want to be here anymore. This emotional state is not me.
I want happiness. Consistant happiness.

I don't want to fall into the wrong traps. I just want all this to stop. Call me weak, call me a coward,
call me a loser.
And I won't disagree with you. My opinion of myself is different, but obviously so many other people
don't see it.

Maybe my attempts to "help" aren't what I think they are. Maybe I'm not what I thought I was at all...
This hurts me, because all I ever wanted to do was help.

FUCK

It's not even enough to scream anymore. It's truly coming to the point where I'm thinking,
"why is this worth it?"
Life doesn't seem like life. I don't feel like I'm living. Reality feels like a dream, and my dreams
feel more like reality.

Lord, I know this is not Your doing. If You had it Your way, I'd be extremely happy. I wouldn't have this journal.
Why are we like we are?

I hate patterns and don't believe life follows them. But it seems my life has certainly followed one. Not by my own
decision, but by people's behavior.
Who the fuck am I?

I don't want to say, "oh, pity me, I'm lonely." For there is one thing I hate more than pity. Not being appreciated.
I know there are people out there that have it way worse than me. Whole family is dead. Been abused since a kid.
Lost everything.
And here I am, breaking down because I'm lonely. You don't understand do you?

How can a 21 year old, with everything in front of him, his whole family alive, be complaining? So he's lonely, who cares?
A lot of people are lonely. Right?

Yeah.

I almost don't feel like saying anything at all anymore on here. Just for the mere fact, I'm not understood.
It's almost laughable at how easy I am to understand. As complicated as I am, I can be understood
if someone truly wanted to learn.
But who the fuck am I? Right??

Yeah... who the fuck am I.

The world is beginning to convince me. Even people who were on my side of the fence start to see
that the grass is not only greener on the other side, they're beginning to see that I'm almost out of
grass. Nothing more to feed on. Nothing more of use here. Nothing more to squeeze out anymore
outta me.

My plan to give everything I have never truly came to fruition. For I thought I'd receive something in return.
I thought you didn't want me to die.

Who the fuck am I?

I'm the SWEETEST ANOMALY.

The sweetest oddity you'll never know. The warmest cold heart you'll ever wrap your hands around. One of the
strongest broken hearts there are. The sincerest person to ever intrigue your mind.
 One of the most beautiful souls God ever regretted leaving His side.

Arrogant am I?

No... you just don't know me. I don't blame you for not wanting to know me more.

It is just me.... just me that everything is wrong with. The sweetest anomaly.

                                                                      That's who I am.

I've been fighting within myself. Between two sides of myself.

I feel troubled.... I feel like a volcano... calm on the surface, but ready to explode.

I have to run.

Nothing is handed to me. And especially me.
I smile when heartbreak is happening. I smile when tragedy is happening. I smile while tears roll down my cheeks.

It's not a real smile. Nor is it a true depiction of what my core is feeling. I don't know why I do it.
I don't know why I did so many drugs. I don't know what I'm trying to forget. Not when I started.
But now, I feel years behind every single person. I feel I can't walk any faster. I feel I can't keep up.

Breaking Point

I literallly feel like there is nothing left inside of me. Nothing of great value. No screams. No heart.

The crazy thing is - I don't want to die. I'm afraid to leave early, before I've yet to make my mark in this world.
Not that I want to be famous, I just want to make a change. And even though I feel torn between
my thoughts of failure and those of the highest hopes... I still
want to stay. I'm not sad here, but it never feels good to be lonely in a place where nearly 7 billion
people reside.

God promises greatness, and He never defaults on His promises. It's just my faith... not in Him, but in myself.
Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. Maybe my attempts to be a good person aren't enough.
Maybe my so-called "sacrifices" don't matter much to people. For they never know what I give up. It's only
between myself and God.
Maybe my treasures await me in Heaven.

I don't think anybody, NOBODY, in this world, knows who I truly am. Or how I am.

They don't know my smiling heartbreak. They don't know my facade. They don't know my everyday struggles.
They don't know me. I feel I would be too exposed if I were to tell somebody about me. I would
feel as if there isn't a dark place for me to retreat to when somebody knows my flaws, my secrets,
and my deepest desires.

I feel everytime I've tried to explain myself - express myself, only one of two ears was listening. I've felt
I've never been important enough for 2 ears. Why? Well no reaction is reasonable without an action.
And plenty of people have proven to act in such a manner that I react and feel as I do.

Selfish as I feel for wanting attention on me, I feel everybody deserves to be heard, and feel wanted.
That overwhelming sensation you feel all over your body when you realize
that you don't have to be anything you don't want to be because you are loved and wanted and
needed for who you are. Just for breathing... for being there.

We are all human.... why can't we act like it. Why do we act like we are more important than the rest?
We bleed the same way. We cry the same way. We hurt the same way. We die the same way.

We can't be this disconnected...

I made it an everyday task to create a smile that doesn't come from anywhere. A made up smile.
An "I'm going to fool you into thinking I'm ok" smile.

And we are all so busy with everyday nothings that we don't notice the blatant excuse for a smile
a lot of people put on everyday. The transparent smile that yells
much louder than any cry for help.  

*sigh*

I kill myself every single day.

Giving advice to heartbreakers on how to break my heart.
This is me... willing to step out of the front of the line because a stronger heart needs realization.
Hoping that someone will step out of line to let me past by...

I feel like the end of a song... dwindling, sweet, soft... dying.

I don't want to die without a first and last kiss....