Where The Smoke Is Coming From....

I don't want to shake. I don't want to tremble.

I don't want to cry. I cut this heart. But as much as I do, it seems to heal itself.
What is this in me, Lord? Please... I don't want to feel this love anymore.
I don't know what to ask you anymore, Father. For it seems I don't know what to ask for.

*sigh*

I don't want to feel this love anymore. If all I have is this, then I want to be emotionless.
Nothing I do seems to be appreciated, and it's not like I do things for appreciation.
But it is better than to be scolded for trying to help out.

Lord, I've never found a hearttrapper that can trap this heart like...

I don't want to be here anymore. This emotional state is not me.
I want happiness. Consistant happiness.

I don't want to fall into the wrong traps. I just want all this to stop. Call me weak, call me a coward,
call me a loser.
And I won't disagree with you. My opinion of myself is different, but obviously so many other people
don't see it.

Maybe my attempts to "help" aren't what I think they are. Maybe I'm not what I thought I was at all...
This hurts me, because all I ever wanted to do was help.

FUCK

It's not even enough to scream anymore. It's truly coming to the point where I'm thinking,
"why is this worth it?"
Life doesn't seem like life. I don't feel like I'm living. Reality feels like a dream, and my dreams
feel more like reality.

Lord, I know this is not Your doing. If You had it Your way, I'd be extremely happy. I wouldn't have this journal.
Why are we like we are?

I hate patterns and don't believe life follows them. But it seems my life has certainly followed one. Not by my own
decision, but by people's behavior.
Who the fuck am I?

I don't want to say, "oh, pity me, I'm lonely." For there is one thing I hate more than pity. Not being appreciated.
I know there are people out there that have it way worse than me. Whole family is dead. Been abused since a kid.
Lost everything.
And here I am, breaking down because I'm lonely. You don't understand do you?

How can a 21 year old, with everything in front of him, his whole family alive, be complaining? So he's lonely, who cares?
A lot of people are lonely. Right?

Yeah.

I almost don't feel like saying anything at all anymore on here. Just for the mere fact, I'm not understood.
It's almost laughable at how easy I am to understand. As complicated as I am, I can be understood
if someone truly wanted to learn.
But who the fuck am I? Right??

Yeah... who the fuck am I.

The world is beginning to convince me. Even people who were on my side of the fence start to see
that the grass is not only greener on the other side, they're beginning to see that I'm almost out of
grass. Nothing more to feed on. Nothing more of use here. Nothing more to squeeze out anymore
outta me.

My plan to give everything I have never truly came to fruition. For I thought I'd receive something in return.
I thought you didn't want me to die.

Who the fuck am I?

I'm the SWEETEST ANOMALY.

The sweetest oddity you'll never know. The warmest cold heart you'll ever wrap your hands around. One of the
strongest broken hearts there are. The sincerest person to ever intrigue your mind.
 One of the most beautiful souls God ever regretted leaving His side.

Arrogant am I?

No... you just don't know me. I don't blame you for not wanting to know me more.

It is just me.... just me that everything is wrong with. The sweetest anomaly.

                                                                      That's who I am.